Let the Cleansing Begin
I remember my last drink, well partly. I knew I was going to quit, cold turkey, like I told myself every time before but I wanted that last hurrah. December 31st 2022 approximately 11:50 PM was my last drink. Starting the new year off without any drops of alcohol. What really told me I needed to quit despite all the other obvious reasons I have been telling myself like stopping the cycle that runs in my family, regretting the things I did when I was intoxicated, needing to better my physical and mental health. What really drove it home into a true firm decision, was that I had drunkenly apologized to someone I thought I would be in my life forever. I remember realizing that I had nothing to apologize for and that I had only done so because I wanted us to go back to normal instead of the cold shoulder I was getting. I was again, playing the fool. Without knowing it, I had been conditioned to believe I was at fault even when I wasn't. As a result, January 1st 2023, I woke up, I saw what I had done with a new clarity and with every fiber of my being that I would never go back to being that person. I deserved better than what I was accepting from that friendship and I especially deserved better than how I used to treat myself. It was time to cut the cords with my old self and stop sweeping everything under the rug.
My History of Patterns
You know that saying? It goes, "Crash and burn". I didn't burn, I drowned. Crashed and drowned...epically. I could probably date my problems back to my teens, back to the very first drink I ever had actually. When I was 17, my parents divorced, and I took it very hard. It felt like my whole belief system was torn from underneath me. I found myself wanting to do anything to make the confusion and agony stop so I began to party with friends. Before I knew it, I had already developed an unhealthy coping mechanism for my pain as well as forming this false idea that alcohol was needed in order to have fun or to be considered a fun person. To be completely honest, I had a blast throughout my years of drinking when I was younger, but now that I am hitting my thirties, I can't do what I used to. I would be out at the clubs and bars every weekend from the time I was off the clock till dawn threatened to blind me with the sun. It was a normal thing to do in a twenty-four hour town, weird if you didn't. It is strange how normalized alcohol is, which only makes it harder to go against the grain.
I stopped partying as much when I hit around twenty-four. I began to notice that I wasn't liking who I was under the influence of alcohol as well as learning that I wasn't the only one in the family with this problem. Sometimes I would be cruel and have no memory of being this horrid person to others. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to stop the water works which released the incredible pain I was trying so hard to hide. Sometimes I was a girl who would take any affection she could get. I wasn't strong or confident, the alcohol gave me the false sense that I was. Not soon enough, I started to see the patterns and knew it was getting worse when I would stay home and drink myself into oblivion.
My Regrets
I regret the pain I caused anyone when I was under the influence. Just know I was fighting a battle no one could see, and it wasn't anything personal. Truly, I am not attempting to make any excuses for my actions, only to put into words my apologies the best I can. I had to cut everything down to the root and allow my new self to blossom. I did my best to apologize to those I have wronged, not all would listen or acknowledge my efforts and I don't blame them. I wouldn't either if roles were reversed. My biggest regret is not having seen my problem sooner. It took a lot of self-reflection and therapy to get to the root of my issues then managing it day by day. Looking back, I am thankful for those who took care of me when I couldn't, and I am sorry for having put anyone in a position where they had to. I've broken a toilet before from being so drunk because my friends didn't show for my birthday. I've vomited out a car window because I got too drunk trying to bring back old memories of a friendship that was already dying. I tried to cling to things and drank when I felt them slipping away. I embarrassed myself more times than I can count. I would degrade myself and lower myself to levels that made others happy and accepted maltreatment just to avoid confrontation and the inevitable pain that would be sure to follow. I realize now that I needed to feel all my pain, every emotion without alcohol in order to completely cleanse myself.
My Physical and Mental Health
When the cleansing began, alcohol was something I craved every second of every day. Especially when I felt so alone that my insides were screaming and drowning at the same time. I cried... a lot. I have anxiety and depression as well as weight issues. Alcohol was only damaging my physical and mental health further. Not to mention, my wallet. When I stopped drinking, I saw that I began to sleep better, my weight was more easily managed and mentally I wasn't so affected. With that also came the realization that drinking wasn't the only problem. I saw toxicities in my life more clearly and set boundaries where I desperately needed them. With the combination of no alcohol and establishment of healthy boundaries, I was having fewer anxiety attacks and wasn't finding myself in a puddle of my own tears as often. Over time, I really began to see the difference. The longer I didn't drink, the easier it got. The growing pride in myself for accomplishing something this important, made me realize I could do this and more. I began to believe in myself, began doing more for myself like traveling and camping. I got back into photography(obviously). This choice was like a raindrop and the ripples were benefiting my life. I could feel myself healing.
The Struggle Is REAL!
The number one question I get when someone finds out that I don't drink is, "Why?" It seems that not drinking is taboo or if you don't drink then there must be something seriously wrong with you. The journey still continues, it doesn't stop at the one-year marker or even the ten-year. The journey keeps going and the pressures are all around us. I proved to myself and those who didn't believe I could do this, that I was able to do what is best for myself. It is never easy hearing someone tell you that they didn't believe you could do it, the lack of support especially when they claim to love you. It isn't easy to go out with friends and have to explain to the bartender why you aren't adding alcohol to your drink or even having to double check that there isn't any alcohol accidentally present. It isn't easy to explain to men that I don't drink because suddenly I'm not so easy to get in bed therefore less likely to be pursued. I didn't go to any AA meetings, I did this all on my own. Stone. Cold. Turkey. It's just the way that worked for me. Becoming sober, people treat you different without them realizing it. They treat you like you're fragile or if they drank around you, it would cause you to fall off the wagon or something. That isn't my case. And every case is different, but for me, my friends and others can drink around me all they want. I just don't because I know alcohol isn't for me. Recognizing when something isn't good for you and letting it go is a crucial step in taking care of yourself. It could be letting go of alcohol. It could be cutting ties with a toxic friend or significant other. It could be anything that you need to cut out in order to better care for yourself. Never apologize for doing what is right for you, you need to show up for yourself first. I have a wonderful family that supports my choice, my grandparents are more proud of my accomplishments than I am. I have friends that don't judge me and support my choice. It isn't easy out there so don't surround yourself with people who don't believe in you or those who are eating popcorn just waiting for you to fall. Surround yourself with support and remember when you look at yourself in the mirror, your number one supporter and fan is looking right back at you.